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morning juicy treat:
big wide handful of cold tiger figs washed in cold water and cut into fourths
smaller handful of cashews on top
sprinkle with salt and sesame seeds
if you want to put just one spill of oat milk or yogurt
to be eaten with bitter hot black coffee on the porch in the rain
2 notes | 4 months ago Tagged: #recipes
at the pizza place (shes picking up a slice to go) she sees her friend who works there who was supposed to be at band practice and he tells her “im not sure whether or not i should tell you this but” and her heart starts dropping and speeding “last night i had a dream that your hedgehog was in danger running away from a mean dog at my house”. she says that she appreciates the information, partly because she knows he is sensitive and nervous and sweet and wants him to be glad he said anything at all, but mostly because she thinks that he is wise and in tune with things and she cares about her hedgehog.
on the way home shes driving around a round about and has one of those moments when you realize you are living a life and you see everything like little miniatures from above, but it feels good and special. a white hand is sticking out of the drivers window in the car ahead, making hand motions to emphasize the thing and she starts cracking up because the person being talked to can’t see the white hand, and the owner of the white hand probably doesnt realize that they are communicating ideas such as “very” or “you knowww” out the moving window just into the world like water poured on to a table. there were two beetles on her bed that night and she hoped things werent starting to be haunted again.
somewhere far away in a smelly big cute city someone stands on a stage he built and reads out loud tinder bios to a group of people who love him. weirdly im 1000 miles from there, in a valley between mountains who are my friends, on the couch in a windy storm with the windows and doors open and a hedge hog on my knee and my tinder bio is that im humming to myself and smiling and getting a little wet but not gonna close the window
when we are pulling out of the driveway and i realize i forgot something mariana is always like run and grab it we have time! in a really sweet reassuring tone
the first thing on callies bucket list is to try my lemon rosemary cupcakes and theres no way for me to communicate to anyone how heartbreaking that is for me!
when people ask what my tattoo means i will tell them that it commemorates and memorializes the day august 13 2018 that i woke up sad, talked to dane, smoked weed and went to dunkin donuts with mariana, came home layed on a bed and read my rapists apology to me, canceled a plane ticket to new york city, and got a plane ticket to hot hot texas to go to the spa with my scared dying aunt.
two chocolate chips on my window sill for two weeks. doing that thing where i can’t move or talk or respond to texts so they pile up on top of my face and heart and make me hyperventilate. trying to confront my first love/ rapist on facebook while on the phone with my dying sorceress aunt feels like being covered in a pile of sand but you also have stage fright and are trying not to cry.
this morning for the first time in five years i had a dream that made me remember what its like to try and avoid another person’s erection with your body, or the feeling of it on you reaching out to you being weird. smiling and trying to make it act like everything was okay, not being rude, not hurting his feelings, not being mean, not being not cool: lying, basically. extremely sad and extremely inexplicably shameful and extremely a lump in my throat because ive never been so simultaneously disgusting and helpless, i want to lay in bed forever.
instead of doing that i get up and walk to the farmers market with stella, split a crepe in the grass and a free huge jar of coffee from olivia. i go to melia’s sevenths birthday party and i bring a unicorn balloon and theres a butterfly cake and we paint rocks and smell lavender. i lay on the bed with mariana and then i go to work and then i go to try and catch the end of andys show at static age but i miss it but i see my friends and i see a beautiful oil projection and then i go home and i feel exhausted and i wish i could have a break because i feel crumbly but i also feel proud but mostly im sad.
why does tumblr literally only suggest i follow lesbian cottage/ garden tumblrs. i didnt even know that was such a popular genre until now but its spooking me does tumblr know something about my future that i don’t yet!!!
ive never been this good or this confused! i love being greasy and sleepy and messy and smelly cute!
the hardest thing about working in public is that having a body, and people seeing my body, distracts me. when i was 17 i would wear see through shirts because i thought it was cool. i didnt notice if people looked at my nipples, just like how i never notice people looking at my hairy legs. my friends would always notice for me, and they still do. not really a gift at all. now im 22 and i hide a lot. i hide in so many clothes. i only feel like myself if im covered in folds of fabric or if im wearing nothing at all laying on my bed alone. today in class a man said that women dress in revealing ways to attract a mate. i got mad and and told him kind of loudly about how every day i look so hot alone at my house and i dont even notice until i step out my door and then i feel so scared of eyes on me that i put on more and more layers until people forget i have a body. i told him i would dress so much hotter if there were no men on earth and you dont know anything about what you are talking about.
its raining outside and the light is green, two humming birds are chasing themselves around my meadow yard flirting and getting wet and chirping. four days ago dane and i hung a red nectar feeder from a branch next to my porch. I also put a melon slice in a shallow dish out there, i looked it up online and thats what it said to do. I ran through my house which is two rooms wide so that I could bring them food really quickly. I put it on the railing in the sun. After forty five minutes Dane ate the melon- so cute